It has been a while since I attended a chama meeting.
I was therefore pleasantly surprised when the chairperson asked me to attend a meeting last Sunday.
As you may be aware, I am the only man in the women’s welfare group. I am normally invited to give expert opinion when sex issues are being discussed.
“The truth is we no longer want sex. We are never in the mood, and our men are getting jittery about this,” the chairperson said as she welcomed me to address members. “We want you to explain how we can get our sex drive back because we are worried.”
Members nodded in affirmation. Unlike previously when there would be a lot of heckling and joking in these meetings, a heavy silence fell upon the room.
It occurred to me that the chama members could have lost focus on sexuality, and their relationships were in disarray. It was no wonder that they rarely called me to their meetings anymore.
Anyway, the discussion proceeded. Lack of desire for sex in women has bothered scientists for years.
In one research study, scientists followed up 3,300 women over a 10-year period, studying their trends in desire for and frequency of sex.
They concluded that everything zeroed down to the mood of the woman. If the mood was elevated, they desired for sex and had it.
If the mood was foul or depressed, they lost desire and had no sex. The right mood therefore remains the paramount determinant of whether a woman will want sex or not.
At a certain age in life, there are too many stressful demands that ruin your mood. At work, bad bosses can get one into bad moods.
One can also experience stress at the family level: what with demands of child rearing, finances, sick parents, among others.
Add to that the frequent misunderstanding between spouses, and sex is taken out of the equation.
A man who understands the times we are living in is able to support his wife to navigate through the bad moods. The big question, however, is whether men know how to bring their women back into the mood.
“Wow, you just hit the nail on the head!” the vice-chair shouted interrupting the expectant silence in the room.
“They know nothing. And in fact, they add salt to the injury by claiming that we are sleeping out with other men.” There were murmurs in the room.
“All I want is to be sure that he loves and cares for me irrespective of what I am going through; that he is concerned and thinks about me all the time,” a member shouted.
“Peace of mind is what I need. That I can come home after a tough day and find a shoulder to lean on,” said another.
All these comments were valid. A woman cherishes a man who takes care of her and shows concern. It reawakens her mood and brings back the passion.
“You see, the problem with men is that they assume we are aware that they love us. Some also take it as a weakness to confess love and to say nice words to a woman,” said another member.
“Unfortunately for me, that is the mood changer. Even when I am in a low mood, his reassurance that he loves, cares and misses me just excites me.”
Some women also cherish gifts. It does not have to be something expensive. It could be a flower or a chocolate, or anything affordable. Just that can turn a foul mood into a good one.
“For me, a gift is a confirmation that you were thinking about me. It is not about how expensive it is, rather the principle behind it,” a member confessed. “If my mood was low, it is the one button that can instantly switch me on.”
For other ladies, the game changer is the acts of kindness and care — when he serves you tea, or irons your clothes, or washes dishes because he realises you are tired.
“How I wish he could open the car door for me like he used to do when we were dating!” A member exclaimed. “He even used to carry me on his back across muddy paths, and massage my back tenderly when I was in pain.”
Other ladies just want the man around, not on their computers or watching football, but spending quality time with them.
They want the man to talk and listen to them. That is what gets them in the mood. It is a tough call for men who would rather spend time in bars or with friends at the expense of their wives.
By the time they come home, she doesn’t have desire for sex.
Overall, mood is king for female sex desire, and the successful husband is one who can harness it and keep the woman in the mood for years on end.
“Well said!” the chairperson said as she closed the meeting. “We are going to invite you to talk to our men, hopefully they will listen to you; they never seem to learn these things when we talk to them.”